This path, the Zen path, is far beyond what I ever imagined it to be or what it might mean to walk this path for real. I don’t even know what ‘for real’ means. ‘Knowing’ – that way of thinking – doesn’t apply, because it is actually going absolutely, utterly and completely to the end of one’s rope, or just being completely naked, exposed with nothing left to be discovered. This sets you free, but it is not the feeling of freedom that this is about.
It has nothing to do with feeling anything in particular, because all feelings can be there, changing as they always do. It is not about that. It is completely and fully coming to the end of everything, which turns out to be neither everything nor nothing.
It is truly unnamable and unexplainable; it is enormous mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. I am no longer able to see what anything is; only what I want, what I don’t want, what I like and what I don’t like. There is no need for permission or explanation or logic or anything, because there isn’t anyone, anywhere that knows what the right thing is or even an idea of what is right or wrong.
Because they don’t exist Therefore, I return to the body and how it feels right now. Its primary job is to seek comfort and steer away from discomfort. I don’t know what anything is, but I know freedom is not a feeling. It is something like, either I am free, or I am not free, and that is so in all situations.
But I could be stuck, of course. I can be stuck here in Hawaii, for example. I have a dog and can’t leave Hawaii, because nobody can take care of her. It can feel like I am stuck. But at the same time, I feel free – or not even feel free, I am free! It is like the whole being or the whole experience of being in this vehicle is here, present, vibrant and alive!
I am the decider, and I am the whole. I am complete here in this body with everything that is, even though I can physically be stuck, meaning I can’t move out of this place for practical reasons, but I am still free. There is nothing binding me, the mind is free, all of it is free. It is just liberating, something is over.